The biggest, baddest clubs in town.
by bill kearney
WHY: You’ll look marvelous walking down that staircase, and it’s one of the few megaclubs still worth experiencing.
WHO GOES: Wednesdays it’s the more glamorous echelon of hipster kids with cars (or friends with cars), and the Beach peeps who want to sleep with them. Weekends it’s open-format, meaning anyone eager enough to show up early.
CLAIM TO FAME: Joaquin Phoenix staged his faux fight here while filming I’m Still Here, which may or may not be a mockumentary, depending on whom you think should be mocked.
NAME TO DROP: Miami Marketing Group’s Jimmy Vargas
AURAL STIMULATION: Anything from Kid Sister and Diplo on Wednesdays to Tiësto and Paul Oakenfold on weekends
OVERHEARD: “The dome ceiling is the original, and is programmed so that its hues undulate with a pace set by the DJ. That thing’s like a Technicolor Z-cup.”
INSIDER TIP: Get here before 11, and actually be a friend of Jimmy Vargas.
DON'T: Piss off Jimmy Vargas.
TABLE RESERVATIONS 411: email@example.com
Fontainebleau Miami Beach, 4441 Collins Ave.; livnightclub.com
WHY: After a bit of a lull, the club’s going through a much-needed renaissance with random acts of coolness, booking seriously diverse artists such as electropop duo La Roux as well as legends like Rick Ross and Carl Cox.
CLAIM TO FAME: Has seen live performances by Prince, Velvet Revolver, Britney Spears and Snoop Dogg. More importantly, J-Woww and The Situation once judged an abs contest there.
WHO GOES: These days it’s hard to tell. Certainly suburbanites some nights, but when Mansion books a good act, the crowd changes accordingly.
NAME TO DROP: Sushi, the GM
INSIDER TIP: Skip the proletariat nonsense outside and just buy tickets online when there’s a show you like.
AURAL STIMULATION: See above. If you don’t know who those artists are, you don’t want to go to Mansion anyway.
OVERHEARD: “Audigier or Affliction?”
DON'T: Be discouraged by the air of cheap glitz on Washington; it’s a different world inside (usually).
TABLE RESERVATIONS 411: firstname.lastname@example.org
1235 Washington Ave., Miami Beach; mansionmiami.com
WHY: It’s still one of the most beautiful clubs in Miami.
CLAIM TO FAME: Naomi, Gisele and Doutzen Kroes have all graced the banquettes.
WHO GOES: Thursdays mean young money singing along to AC/DC, and Fridays and Sundays it’s European money grinning to European house.
NAMES TO DROP: Rafael Nieves, the VIP host
INSIDER TIP: Ask for the fireplace—aka “baller”—table, if that’s how you roll.
AURAL STIMULTION: DJ-driven, for sure, with a bent toward innovative producers like Sharam, soulful house like Roger Sanchez and Euro house as a staple
OVERHEARD: “I’ll bet you my Ducati that you can’t pick up that cocktail waitress.”
DON'T: Wear the silk Versace shirt that totally worked for you at Groove Jet.
TABLE RESERVATION 411: email@example.com
320 Lincoln Road, Miami Beach; setmiami.com
photographs by Seth browarnik